more than hijab

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Convert Conflicts – Relationship imbalance or Relationship trial?

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Whether you are a born Muslim or a revert, there likely be times when you have a crisis of confidence in your religion. You may start to doubt some of the guidelines for lifestyle that were given to us in the Holy Qur’an; or you may start to be influenced by outside influences. You could end up disillusioned by the way you have been taught, or you may find others hypocritical when it comes to their own life as a Muslim.

As we know, Allah is the only judge – but what if your “other” person is your other half – and where are the boundaries and limits when it comes to getting them back on track.

The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

“A man marries a woman for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper”

As women and as Muslims, Inshallah we are doing our best every day to remain strong in our faith. But what about the expectation upon us? It is written in the Qur’an that the best among women are the pious – so what do we do when that becomes unbalanced in our relationships? It is human nature to feel irritated in a relationship when you feel that the other party isn’t “pulling their weight”; but how should we react when it comes to guiding them in their own faith? Is it fair to be angry? Or should we take a less is more approach and simply leave them to it? As a Muslim we have an obligation to each other to encourage an increase in knowledge – but what if the person isn’t willing to hear you or is simply going through their own stage of disillusionment.

Where do we draw the line between guiding and lecturing?

As a revert I have experienced feelings ranging from acceptance to blind rage when my other half has missed prayers, sometimes for days at a time, even when I have reminded him. We live in a country where there are prayer rooms on every corner, and where the azan is called publicly 5 times a day. It is also unacceptable for any employee to be told they can’t take a prayer break, and it isn’t uncommon to see men praying on road sides or in parks. Given this, I have found it maddening that we have such a wealth of facilities available to us, but he is not utilizing them. I find it more upsetting that given the huge challenge of learning to speak and read Arabic as an adult, that as a born Muslim he doesn’t fully appreciate the gift that was given to him a child.

Am I right to be angry? Disappointed? Or should I just accept that as long as I am improving my deen then that’s all I should be concerned with? What are my obligations as wife in this regard when I still have so much to learn myself?

This is one of the fundamental issues that may occur when you revert and marry a born Muslim – if they show any sign of religious wavering, we find it so much more frustrating because we feel that somehow they “owe it” to us. The most important thing when we feel like this is to remember that at the end of the day you have to take responsibility for your own decision to convert, however unfair you feel this may be.

The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

“If Allah grants a Muslim a righteous wife, this helps him preserve half of his religion (faith). He should, therefore, fear Allah as regards the other half.”

Distance in your hearts occurs when you have distance in your communication. Whether or not you usually pray with your partner, now might be a good time to try. I enjoy praying with my husband; as a new Muslim I am not proficient in Arabic so when he reads the Surahs with correct Tajweed, it revitalizes my desire to learn and motivates him to help me. If you’re not comfortable with this, or if he simply doesn’t want to, make sure you still maintain your own prayers – showing him that you are so affected by his choices that you are willing to compromise your deen, will be detrimental to your relationship and more importantly, to your faith.

By no means am I an expert, on Islam or on marriage; every situation is different and every person may have a different level of commitment, but when we become worn out by this trial, or indeed any challenge in our relationship, it is helpful to remember the words from the holy Qur’an:

“And among His signs is this; that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Undoubtedly in these are signs for those who reflect.”


Author: noorlaila265

Hospitality trainer, wife, mother, multi-faith, reader, writer, food fanatic, lover of poetry. “Study me as much as you like, you will not know me, for I differ in a hundred ways from what you see me to be. Put yourself behind my eyes and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see.”

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